Friday, February 25, 2011

Killian's Red

So Thursday night is my bowling night, I started off doing really bad and begged my buddy Buzz (who I believe is in his 40's even though he claims he is 37) to get me some beer, for the rest of the night he made sure i was getting fucked up. I actually ended a lot better than I began. After bowling he Invited me to a bar called Stooges. I graciously accepted the offer and he proceeded to buy me about 5 more beers and a Jager bomb (turns out Jager bombs are actually pretty good, I thought they would be nasty).

So we go to the bar with a friend named Scott, though we call him Ed for unknown reasons. I proceed to get owned in billiards and then darts. I eventually start to win at darts after the third or fourth beer. Buzz was about to buy the next round when he asks me to buy it. I accept and go to the bar and OF COURSE she asks my age. I tell the bartender (who happens to be the hottest 40 year old who I have ever seen) that I am 23, she asks to see my ID and I tell her that I owed Buzz money and that I gave it to him to prove I'd pay him back the $40 I owe him (which I don't). I exit the conversation and leave it between her and Buzz and it seems things have evened out.

Buzz then proceeds to tell me he's not sure if he owes me one, or if I owe him one, he apparently felt that his conversation between him and Ginger was something more than a simple drunk-to-bartender conversation. Eventually things work out and I was not kicked out of the bar. A bit later when the next round is due, he asks me what kind of beer I want, he says he is gonna get me Killian's red, he proceeds to tell me that it is going to fuck my tomorrow. I tell him that I can handle it and that I will drink it whether I like it or not. We continued to play darts until he damn near fell over. he eventually quit with the reason of "I'm gonna kick this guys ass"... actually the reason was more along the lines of "Finish your beer, if shit goes down, grab my coat and run, get the hell outta here and I'll see you next Thursday, if I'm not in jail"

So the whole reason that Buzz wants to kick this guys ass is because his girlfriend thinks I'm hot and comes over and tells me. She was the girl in the bar that EVERYONE was looking at. so she decided to have a little conversation with me. The jealous boyfriend comes up and starts talking shit to me "hey buddy, get the fuck outta here, this is my girl, dream all you want, but she's going home with me." I didn't really care for the girl, but she started the conversation with me and her boytoy didn't seem to like it one bit.

After I convince Buzz not to break his face we decide to go to the bar, we instantly get served and I tell him I've never had a Jager Bomb. He insists that I don't drive for the next half hour or more and I accept. At this point he then orders me another beer and the bar is on last call. I hurry to finish the beer at hand and Buzz takes his sweet time. He keeps asking me "did you see that" every time the HOT bartender talks to him, he briefly states that there is something out of the normal going on between him and the bartender. He claims that "he is taking her home with him" I swiftly nod and tell him that yes indeed I did see the very unnoticeable sign of affection.

When the bar closed we shuffle toward the exit after the guy who buzz was gonna "fuck up", the bar owner stops me and buzz and tells us to wait until "Andy" leaves. we obey and leave when told to do so. Upon leaving Buzz yells to me in the parking lot asking if I had a good time and if i think he's full of shit. I quickly respond yes and after though respond no to the latter part of his question, he looks at me and says, "You're welcome to hang out with me and Ed after bowling every week" I express gratitude and shuffle to my car. The night is over, I definitely enjoyed it. This is what bowling night is about. It also turns out that this summer, I will be Buzz's golf partner, I guess fun can last all year. I plan to go out next week too, and I hope to have a story.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Attack Pheromones

So apparently the word "cunt" is a very serious word indeed. I have recently been using it a little bit more than I ever have and the results are not good. I first used this word a few months ago towards one of my friends for stealing food off of my plate in a very uncivilized manner, he made it seem that I was WAYYY overreacting. He has not let it go to this day.

The reason I don't understand this is because we fuck around and call each other almost anything that comes to mind (Bitch, motherfucker, dick, fuckbucket, chodemuffin.... or whatever comes to mind...), but for whatever reason, 'cunt' is too far. Its kinda like the whole 'Jive Turkey' thing in Semi-pro... So after that whole ordeal back in December, I decided to use cunt again, and it was directed at a girl I know, who I CONSTANTLY call a bitch... She quite simply freaked out at me. I can call her a bitch and she wont even think twice about it, but I call her a cunt and she flips a fuck.

So people out there, I want you to use cunt more in common insultery and let me know how it works out, it might just be the worst insult out there to date. Your moment is in.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Despair is in the Air

I recently realized that I had created a blog and decided to neglect it no further. So currently I feel as though the life I know it is coming to an end (NO, I AM NOT SOME EMO FUCK CRYING OUT FOR HELP). I have been living a life of luxury and leisure, but it so seems that my coin purse has been somewhat emptier than usual and I may have to resort in getting another job. I knew this day was coming and I embrace it with open arms (consider that I am holding an assault rifle).

My current schedule is:
Wake up (noonish, or WAYYY toooo early on class days)
Class (2pm-6pm or 9am-12pm)
League of Legends (until passout/ragequit)

As you can see I am a very busy person, If I were to get a job my LoL time would be severely decreased which will simply not do. A solution to this problem could be winning the lottery, so I have devised an elaborate scheme of brilliance. I figured out that if I simply buy enough lottery tickets to cover every single combination that I will always win!!! TAKE THAT STATISTICS AND PROBABILITY!!!


Why do the boyfriends of girls I talk to always try to call me out and tell me not to talk to the girl anymore??? I haven't talked to this one bitch in like god knows how long, and she messages me on facebook, turns out that I wasn't actually at my computer so when I end up seeing the instant message she was offline. So I do the decent thing and decide to text her saying that I was away from my computer. So I get a text back from someone claiming to be "her boyfriend" and that he "would reall apreshate it if 'I' stoped txting her."

WTF MOTHERFUCKER??? SHE MESSAGED ME FIRST!!! Now all I wanna do is rage endlessly at him, Ill go Tryn on his ass for 5 fucking seconds... THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO TELL ME NOT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY TALKED TO ME FIRST!!! What if this girl was legitimately my best friend? I'm pretty sure that would make him a motherfucking NAZI, only Gestappo would go around telling people they cant talk to other people...


That motherfucker specifically said to stop "txting her" maybe I'll call her ass just to make him rage... That would be fucking sweet...

Anyways, here is a song that is fucking sweet.

Monday, February 7, 2011

A Fire Inside

I was watching a video earlier online and I have sneaking suspicions that this girl in the video is my ex. The girl in the video had a necklace with a dark colored pendant hanging from it which I cannot make out due to the quality of the video. My ex always wore a black and purple heart necklace pendant thingy which was about the exact size of what I saw in the video. The only reason this matters at all is because I KNOW my ex is/was a WHORE, and the video I was watching happened to be porn. I am not convinced, but very curious if the girl getting fucked in that video is my ex.

At the end of the video the guy brings the camera closer to the girl and she promptly puts her hand up as though she doesn't want to be filmed. I really hope that the girl in the video is my ex and that I will find some way to verify it so I can troll her. Though doing this would result in me watching porn for long periods of time, which is something I HAVE NEVER DONE. XD. I also would rather not be sitting in my apartment analyzing a porn video with my roommates home, it might be kinda weird (though I'm sure one of my roommates will read this and get a kick out of the idea).

So I am very tempted now to post pictures of my ex on 4chan as well as the video to see what anonymous thinks. I'm sure regardless of the result much fun will be had and epic posts will come of it.


I really wanted to RAGEQUIT on Saturday night. I have learned that two loud people, alcohol, and a sleeping parent upstairs is a bad idea. I am seriously about to bitch out key individuals that made my life hell on Saturday, or at least spam their ass with cleaver.

Mundo goes where he pleases, but apparently he cant kick people out of his OWN FUCKING HOUSE! Let me explain something to those of you who have a lack of respect for the house which you are drinking.

1. Do not drink HALF A FUCKING FIFTH IN 30 MINUTES.... especially if you weigh 2 FUCKING POUNDS. Otherwise you will puke all over the place not once BUT TWICE, the second time being AFTER THE FIRST IS CLEANED.

2. If someone tells you NOT to have another drink, FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM, THEY THINK YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH AS IT IS, and are probably right. I simply don't understand why people will literally drink until they puke, it is stupid... How can you have fun when you're shooting multi-colored shit out of your FACE?!?!

3. Don't go to a party and ASSUME that you can get a ride home. I DON'T want random FUCKING PEOPLE stranded at my house until the wee hours of the morning... I WILL MAKE YOU WALK NEXT TIME... I SWEAR TO JUPITER'S FUCKING COCK!!!

That is all.
Song very relevant.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Nobody would let me left.

Title relevant. So I have figured out that parties are both the sweet and sour of the situation, from the person throwing up their taco bell in the garbage can to the classic game of beer pong with the 30 person list. I also don't think I could call it a party unless there are at least four guys fighting over one drunk chick and at least one really drunk chick who is crying (I suppose a guy could be crying too though).

So last night I decided to go all the way up to Central Michigan University to attend my friend Sean's 21st birthday party. Upon arriving at 9pm everyone there was either buzzed or smashed, most girls the latter. I quickly decided to follow suit and start drinking my prestigious Stella Artois, and yes it was good.

So a few beers in I notice people that are drunk tend to have a single-track mindset, some people like to tell everyone who they are (one girl literally said "I'm a cheerleader" to everybody at least 5 times), others like to chase down the single girls/guys, and others just like to focus on running a hot streak on beer pong.

I ended up deciding to go to the casino half way through the night, I was given ten dollars to gamble with and I happily lost it (along with $12 of my own) on the roulette table. For those of you who have never been to a casino, it is very weird the way people act, basically everyone is friendly but the dealers have all these weird/cautious rules to follow. For instance you cannot hand them money, simply don't try, you have to set the money on the table. After you place chips on the table and a bet is officially placed, regardless if you win or lose, DO NOT TOUCH THOSE FUCKING CHIPS!!! If you do the fucking devil will appear in front of you and stab you in the fucking eye. SERIOUSLY, you will get bitched out, I don't know why but that is just the way it is, kindly wait for the dealer to give you your chips.

I gotta smoke some hookah now.

Bittersweet Symphony, I CHOOSE YOU!!!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Ambulances and Fraud

Afro Celt Sound System. Their music makes me feel like I am entranced, I feel as though I am in the savanna in Africa, the sun has just set, a giant bonfire in front of me while I roast some gazelle meat. I sit there wearing nothing more that a Tarzan-esque veil and watch the embers of the fire rise high enough to get lost in the sight of the Giant full moon, I'm talking like Lion King big moon...

For these reasons I greatly desire to visit the savanna, I can only imagine how much more amazing it would be to feel the always hot days and the scenery would always amaze me.

Listen to this shit!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Truth and Reconciliation

Okay guys, the moment is here... Ohayocon... Now, I have never been to an anime convention before nor did I wish to pay $50 to be at one, so I decided to go to Ohayocon without paying. I was only there to sip the occasional Mountain Dew slash Everclear combo from the random people I could convince I was at least 21...

Friday night, I did little and have no epic story of, I was just taking in the sights of my first con and sneaking through the back hallways marked "staff only" to get into the rooms with the sexy anime chicks. Later I partook in smoking hookah and going home tired and bored.

Saturday night was a different story, I was fully equipped with a 30-pack of Milwaukee's best in my trunk and my friend Caio in the front seat of my car, I knew this was gonna be a night for the record books. Upon arrival to the con we each chugged 3 beers in my car, we proceeded to entering the building and immediately splitting up. There was a hotel in the Convention Center and I was invited to a room on the twelfth floor to drink with some friends...

So  I made it up the elevator to the fourteenth floor and found the room that I thought I was told to go to, room 1406. I knock on the door fruitlessly when someone behind me asks what I am doing, turns out room 1406 is their room and "their" refers to about 3 girls between the ages of hotness, 21 and Vaporeon? Yes, I TURNED around and all I see is a case of beer, a hottie, and a life fucking size VAPOREON!!!

So for whatever their reason, they invited some drooling 19 year-old into their hotel room, for some reason I was somewhat shocked they didn't know my friends that I thought were supposed to be inside of that room, I ended up hanging out with them for an hour or so until I went into the bathroom. When I came out the Vaporeon and the hot one had left. The girl labeled "21" was my least favorite (looking) so I decided it was time to call my friends and WTF at them for trolling me about the room number (which they didn't, I'm just stupid).

*Side note*
For you people who have never been to cons, if you ever call anyone whilst there, the conversation will sound a lot like this:
Me: "Hey, BOBBY"
Bobby: "Where are you at?"
Me: "I don't recognize this hallway, so I don't know"
Bobby: "Come to the food court"
Me: "What??? I can barely hear you!"
Bobby: "Come to the..."

I found bobby about an hour later and it was room 1206 I was supposed to go to... My bad.

I ended up leaving the convention center for a while to go to an OSU party which I was specifically invited, which doesn't happen enough IMO, I took Caio and Chase with me on this epic journey of about 20 blocks away. This is a story for another day... Or tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Worm Call

It seems as though the days I troll people are going up in number, I really am thinking of overturning my decision on the theory of De-Evolution. It seems as though the only thing people actually do anymore is troll other people from other countries or other states (for those of us in the USA... which reminds me we are literally the "States of America," if you look at the Declaration of Independence we do not capitalize the word "united").

I got into a serious argument with someone from Germany the other day while playing a game online. Apparently Germany is still pissed that we gang-banged the fuck out of them in WWII... I just yelled a bunch of gibberish at him and left the game but still, are Germans still sour with us because of how far our cock got stuck up their ass?

I mean really guys, are there entire countries out there that are pissed at us??? Were AMERICA we invented crack and disco, who could hate us fun, loving Americans?

Anyways, I'm out. I'll have you tell you guys about last weekend at Ohayocon...